About Mark

I'm  a counsellor who specialises in working with couples who have disconnected and wish to rediscover their emotional bond through better forms of empathic communication and achieve healthy confrontation to help de-escalate cycles of conflict where they are blaming, attacking and withdrawing from one another.

My aim is work with them to reach a place where they once again feel like a team who can resolve things in a healthy way based on the concepts of generosity and curiosity, where each partner can stand firm in love expressing themselves from a place of how they really feel and of what they really need instead of character assassinating their partner from a place of anger and blame. Other issues covered include discovering each other's love language and rebuilding trust.

I work with couples using styles called Emotionally Focused Therapy and Relational Living Therapy. These look at the pattern of conflict a couple find themselves in and the roles they play within it e.g.one person could be the pursuer who attacks, while the other is the withdrawer who defends, setting up a vicious cycle where the real emotions behind the cycle are not being addressed. Some of these patterns are forged from the defensive places of the adapted child, ie( black and white thinking, harsh reative attacking language), where people have learned to model and internalise ways of dealing with conflict from their families of origin rather than turning up as the healthy adult with their partner, (ie flexible thinking, soft and gentle non defensive responses) which foster agreement  rather than argument and escalation.

My job is to help the couple find the real emotions behind what happens when the cycle kicks in, usually expressed by secondary emotions such as anger and frustration. When the couple tune into each other they reach out and relate to one another through what are called the primary emotions e.g. disappointment and hurt. These more vulnerable emotions help them get beyond the secondary emotions and communicate with empathy towards one another at the level where they begin to hear each other and break the pattern of conflict they have fallen into.

These are proven styles of therapy that work as you are both able to put the brakes on the old familiar pattern of secondary emotions allowing yourselves to communicate as you should in a healthy constructive way and de- escalate conflict. Vulnerability is important in any relationship and where it is embraced through open communication in the present moment, where a person says what they mean when they feel it, in a soft and gentle way, misunderstandings are avoided and each other's perceptions are understood and appreciated.

I often explore love languages in my work. This is a useful concept with helps couples recognize what is most important to their partner and how they can you accommodate the language that helps the other person most connect with their partner and strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship.

Much of my work is around helping couples to rebuild trust where there has been infidelity. I value the importance of working with the perpetrator who needs to acknowledge the injured parties loss from their own sense of grief and remorse from what they have caused. It's also important that I help the offending partner to remain non defensive and recognize their partner's pain and that they care about it. Also I help the injured party to open up about the emotional impact of the infidelity and share overwhelming emotions, which they can share and process with their partner in a safe place.

I believe strongly that however your disconnection has happened as a couple you can find healing and  recapture and nuture your emotional bond, which you forged when you first fell in love together.

I would be glad and privileged to help you on that journey.